the city of no left turns

books n' reading (repeat)

2011-05-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

i read a lot.

not so much for myself these days, but when we visit the pediatrician and the nurse asks how many minutes we spend reading to our daughter, we chuckle. "uhhh, not minutes, hours" is our answer.

we supplement our book collection with frequent visits to neighboring libraries. selecting a book for a toddler is not as easy as it might sound. unless we all go as a family, one watchful eye is on her and the other is scanning the book quickly for content, illustrations, non-offensive gender stereotypes, a topic that might be relevant to her world, and the oh-so-important characteristic: repeat readability. few books are read once in our world, in fact, as i type, i can count no books under our roof that were read just once. repeat. that's our motto. or from her, "uh-gan!"

a friend mentioned the other day how hard it is to find decent books for her almost-3 year old. i concurred, sharing that i've been planning to blog about the goodies in our world, both for our own benefit--i hope to notice patterns and be reminded of good authors--and for anyone else who might stumble upon or be directed to my blog.

and so it happened that what spurred my first post on this topic was not a book, but a magazine. i don't subscribe to any magazines right now, but i picked up a Saveur at the grocery store a few months back that continues to move around the rooms in our home as someone reads another article. (the subtext to my first sentence being that our reading habits include slowed pace and a hunt-and-peck quality.)

our daughter is a talented narrator of her world, and when she sees this magazine, she points to the cover and yelps, "sandwich! sandwich!" the image of a gigantic bread-laden sandwich delights her in its relevance to her own eating habits, and it was this knowledge that coaxed me to sprawl on my bed with her and page through the varied sandwich concoctions. we talked about the ingredients she recognized and about those she didn't (sprouts, for one), about the different types of bread, and about elvis, who was pictured eating his favorite sammie: creamy peanut butter, banana, and honey, a combination she could happily imagine.

this activity brought me back to our visits to the pediatrician and the concept of minutes. reading isn't just a 16-page story between 2 boards. it's ascribing words and letters to meaning. it's taking moments--hours, even--to imagine a world outside our own. it's fun. and lovely to share.

don't ever wake a sleeping baby. unless.

2010-06-18T21:07:00.001-07:00

we've been so focused on sleep the past (almost) year that i'd forgotten how sweet, how charming, how positively magnetic a baby in deep slumber is.

i had to wake her to help out my sister. when i saw how peaceful, how asleep she truly was, i held my breath. and tears flowed. such a sweet, sweet face, breathing and then sucking on her paci. like nothing else. i couldn't do it. but then i had to, and so i began to sing. i didn't want to startle her, so i sang, and then gently touched her face, and she stirred, ever so slightly, so i sang a bit more loudly, and pop! her eyes alighted on me.

sweet sweetness.

believe it

2010-05-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

i wondered what we might chat about, and now i know.

today i asked her where her daddy was, and she resolutely turned and pointed to david. it was amazing. since friday, she's been pointing and chatting and really enjoying how this new found skill has changed our relationship with her. she's always been a curious kid, and now when she points, she learns new words, and most importantly, she can signal her needs. this evening, her meal centered around a variety of foods, and when she wanted more of one, she pointed and received. such a gratifying leap for her and for those around her!

a leap

2010-05-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

today siena's pointing took on a whole new meaning. she began pointing to what she wanted--oatios--and when i handed one to her, she smiled broadly while i cried. it was so sweet, so tender, and so meaningful... she communicated, i responded, and we both understood our exchange was an enormous leap forward in our relationship.

she continued to point and receive, point and receive. i can't wait to find out what we'll talk about tomorrow. :)

the wind up

2010-05-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

it is so worth it to watch this video. she pulls out every single move, and each one serves her well. it's hard to believe that she is already moving so much more than this video illustrates, just a week and a half or so ago. many of these moves are already a memory; she has new ones, now.

vast generalizations

2010-04-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

the world can be divided into two camps...

i sorta dig wild generalizations. there are a few in which i truly believe, and others i just like to toss into the air, watching it float or fall flat: splat!

one such nugget that was tossing and turning in my gooey, sleep-deprived mind is that there are two type of humans: those who can be consoled and those who cannot.

i am of the first camp.
as of late, my daughter has joined the latter.

we tell ourselves that she is teething, that these high-pitched screams, these violent gyrations, these normally consolable fits are due to hard, angled bone mass shoving through soft and tender flesh.

but we're not really sure. we're consoled by the apparent normalcy of this reasoning, especially since her daylight self is cheery, playful, and seeking fun. we yearn to share her sunny disposition; each day less sleep turns me into a grumpski fusspot, and i'm a better person when sleep stretches longer than 3 hours.

i'm a reader

2010-01-15T16:16:00.000-08:00

books, magazines, newspapers, blogs, twitter--i read all formats (yet prefer the type that folds). i also love reading out loud. i loved reading each week to young children in seattle, and when i suggested to david one evening on the oregon coast that we read aloud a book i'd been reading, i fell in love with the words all over again. i had been reading "crossing to safety" by wallace stegner and was enjoying it so much--and felt david would, too--that we started the book from the beginning so we could enjoy reading chapters to each other. it took us a year to read that book, because we decided that it could be read only when we visited the oregon coast. what a dreamy way to spend a year!

fast forward four years: reading aloud has shifted from husband to daughter. siena loves words, pictures, and turning pages. gone are the days (as illustrated in the photo) where books could capture her attention for a few short minutes. oh how grand a life is with books!

the year in sleep

2010-01-01T20:28:00.000-08:00

as i sit here considering 2009, sleep surfaces as a recurring theme. maybe it's because david just put siena down successfully, but more likely it's because sleep--as a topic and as a reality--became such a focus in 2009.

sleep began eluding me during pregnancy. i had a rotating schedule of solutions; sometimes i'd read or do some work, and other times i'd relax in the recliner, trying to create an environment where i was almost flat on my back (who knew that back sleeping was an absolute no-no?). my ability to stay asleep became a bit more predictable when i borrowed a large, snake-like pillow from a friend. "the snoog" fashioned a nest for my bulbous body while fostering an albeit anti-social setting in our bed.

my friends with kids would tell me to savor the sleep i was getting, as i'd certainly suffer from sleep deprivation once i became a parent. i never understood the gravity of their words. the long period of sleep deprivation that muddled my brain and pummeled my mood far outlived my expectations. and now, as my friends suggested, the quest for sleep has become priority number one, both for me and for our daughter.

so here i am, normalized on less sleep, and fortunate to not be sleep-deprived. these days our sights are focused sharply on our daughter's patterns, hoping we can unleash a secret charm that will shift our current situation, whatever that might be. i continue to spend fits and spurts of time scanning sleep tomes, in expectation of unearthing that nugget. just today, we agreed to keep a chart of her sleep and waking hours because we can't remember what happened yesterday or last week. again, the hope is that the chart will make clear what is evading clarity.

but when i return to the thesis of this post, i'm reminded that we've come so far and learned so much. while sleep may ebb and flow, the constant is our remarkable daughter who teaches us daily how tremendous a gift she is, and what a joy it is to share our world with her.

moments

2009-12-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

today david's cousin stopped by to meet the illustrious siena. she was all smiles, as exhibited here. as with most conversations, the topic turned to parenthood, and something ruben said resonated with me: even though you may think you'll remember many of the special moments, you forget. he admitted that he wished some of those moment were recorded, and it was that statement that influenced this post (and hopefully future ones). thanks, ruben.

today was different. siena smiled more, was mellow for longer periods, and she seemed to genuinely enjoy the greater part of the day. she also hung out on her belly for an extended amount of time, even resting her substantial cheeks on her arms. she appeared quite comfortable, and oddly, grown-up. very sweet.

and then jewlee came over, which is always a highlight for her. and for us. soon it was time for a nap, and she willingly submitted to the swaddle--even pushing to her side so jewlee could get it good n' snug--and then, poof! into (almost*) dreamland.

*ok, there was a bit of crying after that, but the going down episode was definitely a first.

and then she...

2009-12-01T18:31:00.001-08:00

so many changes the past few weeks. she grasps, she shakes, she giggles... a grab bag of new emotions and skills that keep her parents enthralled. she also loves. she has reached for me when sad, and has developed more of a baby cry that can be soothed with softness and love. she's a baby, not an infant, and each day brings more joy.

today she hung out on her tummy for quite some time, and then tucked her knees under her belly, and started to move. in a few minutes, she had moved about a foot! amazing. tonight she was over-tired at bedtime, and after crying on my shoulder, turned her head and gave me a sloppy kiss on my cheek. so sweet.

today i'm a yeasayer

2009-11-05T15:15:00.001-08:00

august coppola has been on my mind. i knew nothing of him until i read his obituary yesterday, and now, i want to know more. those close to him called him a dreamer, a renaissance man, a "yeasayer." i plan to learn more about him while my daughter sleeps. for now, i like thinking about this:

In 1991, instead of leading a groundbreaking for a planned addition to San Francisco State's creative arts complex, Coppola hosted a "skybreaking" because, he said: "The idea is to look up, rather than down -- look up to the sky, the clouds, teach young people to dream."

brilliant.

my sister is amazing

2009-10-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

these past three weeks have been life-changing.

for me
for my husband
for our daughter
for my sister

my sister moved here just 3 short weeks ago to be nearer to her niece, her sister, and her family. she needed a change, and moving from her home of nearly 20 years gave her just that. it also tore her away from familiarity, from friends, and from her own family. sometimes all that tearing away shows up on her face and in her mood. i wish i could soothe the sadness she feels. all i can offer are hugs, encouragement, and deep love.

today was one of those days. i don't know if a particular exchange influenced or added to her ennui, but what i witnessed was one of those typically uneasy moments when two people meet: "what do you do?"

throughout my life, this question has caused me panic, unease, discomfort. after just graduating college, or figuring out what to do next, or having an impossible-to-describe job, i dreaded this conversation ender.

my sister's exchange, however, was one of beauty. she started off slowly, brushing off the question by mumbling her latest title of restaurant manager. but then she gained confidence, and told the tale of starting her town's first curbside recycling business. and then the natural foods store. and then the bagel shop. "oh, you're an entrepreneur!" her mate exclaimed. "yes, she is!" her proud sister interjected. it was right then and there that i was reminded of how amazing she is. she has experienced so much and achieved more than she realizes. right now she and i are working on her resume, and i'm astonished to learn how much she has to offer her next employer. it isn't just our daughter who will benefit from her amazing-ness.

nature nurture

2009-10-30T15:59:00.001-07:00

the bottle saga continues, and i admit that i've also continued the practice of beating myself up over the fact that we didn't keep up with bottle feeding. i fear it was my consistent breast feeding that influenced her passion for the real deal. (my sister said, "face it, you have a nice rack!") today i shared my fears with a mom of twins, who said that she is experiencing the opposite conundrum: her twins were fed bottles from the beginning, and she didn't keep up with breast feeding because bottles were easier, and now her boys won't accept her breast. she offered that perhaps we both needed to be nicer to ourselves and stop the blame game.

she's right. but i'm so good at blaming.

today marked day one of our new and improved strategy. first i must digress and share how much my sister rocks. jewlee has been completely in charge of the bottle fight, and has been an amazing source of patience and determination. it's so hard, and yet she goes into the ring with my daughter time and time again, not without resulting tears and exhaustion. for this reason, jewlee laid down the law last night, and demanded that my husband join her in a daily and consistent bottle session each morning. she felt that siena was beginning to see her as the bad guy: as soon as i leave our house, she starts to cry.

it was different today. david and jewlee tag-teamed, switching off every 15 minutes so that a calm adult could soothe and offer the bottle in shorter intervals. after what i expect were many switch-offs, the two adults decided to take a walk and bring the offending bottle along. siena really enjoys being outside, and because of this, she relented, and emptied the bottle on a park bench.

whew.

now, this isn't a sustainable solution, but it sure is progress. both david and jewlee report that little miss no-bottle will change her ways after a week of concerted effort. fingers crossed!

newborn psychology

2009-10-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

i never imagined how many unknowns this journey would include. i thought i understood the need-based reality of having a newborn, but i didn't realize our days would be filled with questions, with searching for clues, with trials. and errors.

take bottles, for instance. earlier in her life, my daughter took to bottles like it was second nature. no problems there at all. and then we didn't give her a bottle for a spell, and learned quickly that this was a mistake. a big one. she now expects to receive food the old-fashioned way, and is insulted that we would attempt to introduce a facsimile or proxy on my behalf. my husband, my mother, and my sister have all joined the ranks of Those Who Get Screamed At while trying to give her a bottle. the trick is that she drinks a bit without protest at first, but then realizes the trick is on her, and she turns into a kicking-scratching-screaming doppelganger who is not amused. but we continue to try and try again because we're serious about this working.

after one such unfortunate session with her beloved auntie, we decided to completely confuse her by introducing me into the plan. i picked her up, apologized for what i was about to do, while making clear that she really needed to chillax and just take it, and what does she do? drink it all without complaint. not a peep.

since this episode i've become an armchair psychologist, ruminating on what i can learn from her behavior, and how we can encourage her to treat the other, sweeter folks with the kindness she bestowed on me so that her mom can get a break every so often and return to work in the near future.

the lines are open. please share your crazy ideas. :)

morning rumination on thumbs

2009-10-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

where do thumbs come from?
do they hide underground
and sprout like tomatoes from daddy's garden?

where do thumbs come from?
do they hide between the pages of favorite books
wresting free during a nightly read?

where do thumbs come from?
do they hide in the folds
of a tightly gripped fist?

wherever thumbs may hide,
when the time is right
and the need is true,
thumbs burst free
just for you.

cultivating mindfulness

2009-10-03T18:53:00.001-07:00

while i was pregnant, david and i attended a mindfulness in childbirth class that came highly recommended by a good friend. she felt this class offered the most useful information of any prep course she took. we agreed.

knowing this, i decided to sign up for a new mom's mindfulness class. i was testing myself. and siena.

our daughter is what experts call "high needs;" certainly not the sort who would endure a 2-hour session that includes meditation. she requires lots of stimulation, movement, and constant changing of positions. we hold her a lot. we bounce her a lot. we walk her a lot. i can count the number of times i've held her (awake) while sitting: once today, a couple times on the porch, once earlier this week, and maybe a couple other times. and when i say "held her while sitting" i mean that i sat for longer than a couple minutes.

it was miraculous that she and i were able to attend this class. it's as if she too, were practicing the art of being mindful in that when we began a meditation exercise, she relaxed as i relaxed, and i was able to be present while attending to her. it was magical. when the facilitator asked us to share reflections, i was teary while admitting that i didn't expect i'd be able to participate in the exercise even partially. what a nice surprise.

lifting

2009-09-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

no one, nothing, can prepare you for the transition to motherhood. and when hormones catapult you into another world, someone else's head, even, the word "transition" is too tame.

this has been my reality.
only for a moment, years before eventual parenthood became a topic of conversation, did the term, "postpartum depression" enter my lexicon. my naturopath in seattle told me about studies linking ppd and low cholesterol. my cholesterol was low, so she added casually that if i were to ever become pregnant she'd monitor me closely. i mentioned this study to my midwife in san francisco when i first became pregnant, and then forgot about it. my pregnancy was beautiful, lovely; i grieved its demise when the 9th month appeared.

after some medical scares just days before delivery, and then the 30 hour labor that ensued, the shift to motherhood was exciting, new. i felt i was prepared and could travel the bumps and turns with a clear head. i knew it would be hard. at least i thought i did.

at around 2 weeks postpartum, i began to feel differently. it's so difficult to describe, but i knew i wasn't myself. i was sad. depressed. i stopped smiling. everything was overwhelming and anxiety-ridden and i couldn't think straight. words alluded me and hyperactive bursts of panic and crying became my coping mechanisms, although there was no coping. there was a fog--almost literally--clouding my head and at times, i knew it. at times, i could stand outside of myself and wonder, "what is going on with me? am i screwing up? can i really do this?" the answer to the last question was always a resounding, "no." my head was filled with desperate thoughts, of long days hampered by isolation. it not hyperbole to state that this was the hardest time of my life. being a mother was anything but blissful, and i couldn't imagine admitting that to anyone.

it wasn't until our pediatrician asked me to complete a survey assessing postpartum mental health that i realized i wasn't okay. i mean, i knew i wasn't okay, but i thought the reasons were of my own volition. never did i suspect i was suffering from ppd. at one point, i even told david, "i'm not depressed, it's not like i have postpartum depression." i thought i was just having a hard time of it, sometimes. i didn't admit that it was all of the time, every day. the pediatrician thanked me for taking the survey--at the time i thought that odd--and became very serious. she said that we needed to approach my condition as if i had an infection and needed to go on medication. it was scary. i cried in her office. a lot. she also hugged me and held me, and told me that this was a time in my life where i needed other people to take care of me, that there'd be plenty of time for me to take care of others. i was relieved to have a name for what i was experiencing. relieved that it wasn't my own doing, that i wasn't just failing as a mother.

[i want to remember this. i'm crying as i write. it's painful, but important for me to acknowledge the gravity of this experience as i recover.]

i would have never recovered if it hadn't been for david. he took on the role of chief caregiver for both me and our daughter. my days were peppered with, "go to sleep, sarah. i'll take care of her." the number one item on the doctor's list was "get 4-6 hours of continuous sleep." we learned that it takes periods of at least 4 hours of sleep for the brain to recover, and at that point, i may have slept for 2 hours at a time, but mostly i suffered from insomnia. recovery also included a village of family and friends. the arrival of my good friend hollis was a godsend. her presence helped me to remind who i was; i even smiled a few times. she swept in and became our assistant in all things--holding, cleaning, running errands. spending time with hollis allowed me to experience moments of relaxation. i could breathe deeply and smile. she even spent an hour doing body work on me so that i could reclaim my body and my mind. both she and david reported i looked more like myself after our session. she saved me, and i am forever grateful for her love and friendship.

my friend becky arrived immediately after hollis, and during her visit, she, david, and i organized an impromptu dance party that had all of us giggling and jumping for joy as we shaked our booties to Beirut in our living room. the laughter and exercise reminded me once again that i was capable of having fun.

my mom soon showed up on the scene. her arrival is when the real magic of recovery began to appear. mom became my confidant, encouraging me to spread my wings as a mother, that yes, it IS difficult, and that's okay. it was her admission: "you have a tough baby" that helped us realize that the challenges we faced as parents were not typical, and that our needing help was reasonable. mom was with us during some very dark moments, and she enveloped me with a sense of safety that i could be who i was without fear of judgement. we became closer and bonded as mother and daughter and as mothers. watching my daughter with her granny was amazing. such love. such family. she's lucky to have a granny like my mom. i'm lucky, too.

david's mom appeared the difficult day of my mom's departure. she too swept in and began the work of our third pair of hands. she was pragmatic in her approach: she received ample training from my mom and was eager to jump in. first on her list was our crib: we hired a handyman to assemble it correctly. putting her room in order was an enormous relief. i had told my mom that her room was a metaphor for my brain: put together on one side and a huge mess on the other. seeing it all come together was a symbol of progress, and i felt its significance. sandy had the luck to observe siena changing more stridently: cooing and smiling became more frequent and she began to show her personality and consistent signs of needs. sandy also helped me to stop eating so quickly. i had learned to cram food into my mouth in minutes; my anxiety around not having time was so intense. as with my mom, sandy left us with increased confidence and a greater respect for our mothers. our daughter is so blessed to have them in her life.

the arrival of auntie jewlee will always be precious. i caught her first glimpse of siena on film and smile each time i view it. there's so much to say and so few words to describe what it has been like having jewlee here. she has taught me to laugh about siena's scream fests, to make fun of her blowing out her diapers, to have fun with motherhood. her joy in aunthood has reminded me of all the fun i've had babysitting other kids. we are eager to begin our lives together, for jewlee is moving here to be nearer to us and to be our daughter's nanny. i can't underscore how lucky we are to have her in our lives and i can't wait for this period in our lives to begin. siena is charmed to have her auntie jewlee in her life.

david and i could never have achieved this place of recovery without the support of our friends and family. weeks ago i would not have believed that i could be a happy and smiling mother. i didn't think it possible that i might enjoy this time in my life. dread and despair are no longer the norm, and when i cry, it seems reasonable, not desperate. as david noted, "you're back, sarah."

we're insane!

2009-09-12T15:35:00.001-07:00

my friend ryan visited us the other night bearing food, the skills to make dinner, and wine that people our age don't buy (i.e. he nabbed it from his dad's cellar... we joked about how this illustrates his grown up status).

but beyond the love, care, and friendship he bestowed upon our new family, he also shared some knowledge fit for new parents: a study that proves the reality of sleep deprivation damages--not permanently--our brains to that of an insane person. the kicker: this happens in one night. one night! so yes, the fact that i struggle to remember mid-sentence what i was saying, or use words correctly, or just plain experience communication breakdown on a regular basis is because i'm insane. whew. nice to know there's science behind our madness. :)

there's also cuteness...

that's what they call it

2009-09-07T17:48:00.000-07:00

colic.

we resisted using that term until it became clear that that word best depicts our reality. our sweet 'lil daughter has a hard time with tummy and reflux issues which means that she registers complaints often and loudly. it's only in the recent past that her awake time was not fraught with howls. she's changing, and we hope she's feeling better.

and she's very sweet. she smiles, plays, coos, and is darn near almost giggling. this window into her world makes the other part a bit easier, but we're still having a difficult time--at times--and look forward to her internal systems maturing so she can live life a bit more comfortably. this is our world right now, and we're very lucky to have family staying with us. a third pair of loving hands is exactly what we all needed, and we're thrilled to share her sweetness with others.

soon, i hope

2009-09-04T18:00:00.000-07:00

i haven't felt as though i've had time to blog the past 8 weeks, and this afternoon realized that perhaps even though time is at a premium, i can certainly try to carve out time to record a few thoughts a week, maybe even a day. it's worth a shot.

one thought i had is that motherhood doesn't allow time for reflection. i dreamed about being a mother, and today remembered an actual dream i had before becoming pregnant. i dreamed about breast feeding. so here i am, realizing this dream 10-12 times a day, and it wasn't until today that i reflected upon this memory.

the dream is not the same as reality--breast feeding my daughter is all arms/legs/grunts/screams/spit-up--but that's no matter. it's something i dreamt about, thought about, wanted, and here i am.

here i am.

and the beat goes on...

2009-07-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

this period in our lives is, well, many things. it's surreal. it's magical. it's difficult to define.

never in my life have i been on the brink of something so monumental without any real knowledge or understanding of what lies ahead. it's surreal.

we're in a liminal state, where we exist between what we know (the two of us) and what we expect (the three of us) and all the while, our emotional responses and my physical being are shifting, altering. it's magical.

in many ways, we're on high alert, trusting in natural processes that have linked women together for centuries, and benefiting from the love and support from our village.

waiting & wondering

2009-06-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

recently, david and i purchased the last bits of items from our list. we're now down to the nitty and the furry (need to find last-minute nene care--DONE!), and we're confident all will be crossed off soon.

meanwhile, david has been flexing his new-found nesting skillz in the yard and storage areas. the gardens will likely prove to offer a bumper crop that will keep our tummies full and minds sharp, what with all the good vitamins and minerals coursing through our veins. the storage area showcases his purging acumen in full glory; anyone who may have seen the state of affairs before his laser-beam focus honed in would certainly not recognize it now.

me? i don't feel the nesting urge so much, although we did make some serious headway in her room this week, and once we can figure out a few handyperson-type tasks (DONE!), the room will be adorable. it's already showing a tendency toward super-cuteness.

babe whisperer

2009-06-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

last week i volunteered my arms to a post-natal yoga class. the moms need a break sometimes, and the teacher offers in return a free pre-natal class. she prefers having pregnant ladies help out because she believes both sides benefit. she was right.

i wandered the studio searching for crying babes, and when i found a sweet lil' whimperer, i asked the mom if she'd like me to hold her kid. no one turned me down. while my arms may have been aching from holding 5 or 6 kids of differing size and age, it was a good experience that also gave me confidence. i haven't held infants much recently, and coaxing and cooing to little ones for an hour and a half reminded me that i'm not a novice at this practice. plus, they were really sweet.

body lending

2009-06-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

today i lent my body to science.

to help 6 to-be midwives learn, i let them poke, prod, and palpate my swelling belly. they were very excited about my state of gestation; turns out they hadn't an opportunity to practice on someone this late in the game and with "this big of a baby."

a few students couldn't find her head, which they assured me didn't mean she was without. :) they invited their teacher to help, who was impressed by how low she is. "this baby is engaged," she told her students. they also had an opportunity to learn what a contraction looks like and feels like, which was a new experience for them.

i benefited too. i had never seen a fetoscope and its predecessor, a cone-shaped instrument. i enjoyed sharing my stories of pregnancy, especially my evolution to being more calm and curious about the birthing process. the students were so respectful; honoring each time they touched me by asking first, and then thanking me. for my time, i was fed, i received a free copy of one of the teacher's books, and i had a unique and fulfilling afternoon.

a practice in introspection

2009-06-19T16:31:00.001-07:00

yesterday i joined a group of 10 or so pregnant ladies and two midwives at grace cathedral atop nob hill. our purpose? to walk the labyrinth as a group at the stroke of noon.

it was a perfect sf day. the sun streamed down, making the square block flanked by the Mark and the cathedral shine in exuberance.

i was feeling pretty good, too. i sat on the steps leading to the cathedral, and took it all in.

soon ladies following their bellies appeared, and we all entered together. it was awe-inspiring. i never tire of the ornate stillness that surrounds me when i step into an old church. the labryinth was awesome: front row and center; the nucleus of the knave.

we convened in a group, and my yoga teacher (also a midwife) unfurled some green string that each of us handled so that we were all connected in a circle. she explained how we would enter the labyrinth at our own speed and once we reached the center, we could leave when it was right for each of us. we then each cut a piece of the string so that we'd have a symbol of the greater group with us as we walked. another midwife stood at the entrance, asking each of us if we wanted oil for our mind or our heart. i chose mind.

upon entering, i was flooded with emotion and immediately began to tear up. but then i calmed and began my walk. we were a noticeable bunch: 10 or so pregnant ladies walking slowly, some gazing down, others, like me, noticing my surroundings and taking it all in. i held my string on my belly. it just remained there as i touched it and stroked her sweet movements as i moved along the curves.

a woman appeared with a small child and stood watching outside the labyrinth as those of us with babies on the inside walked. the next time i saw her, she was standing at the entrance, holding her baby. after a pause, she began walking. she was the only person outside of our group who entered with us. at times her child cooed and cried and yelped, and all of us smiled.

the weekly spurt

2009-06-14T19:27:00.000-07:00

after missing all of the growth spurts teens experience, i feel as though i've caught up in the horizontal department in record time.

today david and i spent a few hours working in the usf garden--well, i worked on knitting a baby hat--learning about pest control, proper bed design, and weeding. we left the plot with an impressive harvest and delicious meals to come.

knee-deep

2009-06-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

organic, pvc-free, pesticide free... these topics invade my brain. mattresses, changing pads, bath tubs, clothing, sheets--all of these items run the risk of having nasty stuff lurking inside that affect lil' ones. so i research. and learn. and search. and compare. and my list grows.

not to mention the lil' one. she's growing, too. and movin' and groovin'--oh my! the other day, my dr. said, "you're all baby. you've got about 3 fats cells in between her and your skin" as she moved about punching the mic up and down while we listened to her heartbeat. her propensity to lean left also continues (as lynne commented on a photo). the bigger i get, the more obvious her left-leaning ways. :)

observations

2009-06-02T21:09:00.000-07:00

people stare at me now. i know, because i catch them. both men and women are transfixed by my girth. they also smile when i catch them; i like that a lot. there's something about a pregnant lady that makes people happy, and when that emotion is shared, it's a welcome surprise.

men don't give up their seats on BART unless requested directly. i haven't yet asked a man, but my friend kevin has, and they move quickly when he does it. the other day i was focused on getting a seat--any seat--fast, and when i saw a man move, i ducked, swiveled, and pivoted into the vacant seat, only to see that he was giving it up for ANOTHER pregnant lady. i couldn't believe i had stolen one of my peep's seats. even more astounding was that she registered my seniority in trimesters, nodded, and gave me the look that everything was ok.

and then a woman offered her a seat.

hey look! same t-shirt.

2009-05-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

amy was our first out of town visitor to our new pad. we cooked, we strolled, we knitted, we hung. what a nice way to spend a weekend. miss you ame.

new leaf, turning

2009-05-19T17:29:00.000-07:00

i'm starting to understand pregnant women and sweatpants. make no mistake: i really hate sweatpants. i don't own any and i don't want any.

but then things changed. fast. and by "things" i mean my body. i'll post a photo soon; you'll be impressed by my girth. i know i am.

and yeah, i'm bustin' out of my maternity clothes. never thought that would happen! the lil' ws intends to grow and i'm growing with her. the body is a tremendous thing. unbelievable.

musical thinking

2009-05-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

music has been on my mind, especially lullabies--not traditional lullabies per se, although those are nice, too, but more the tunes that have lullaby qualities. i keep thinking that maybe i'll find some soothing gamelan tunes, but so far the stuff becomes a little too dissonant at times, and the image of cooing and soothing a sweet littl'un disappears. i'm not interested in covers of current songs being turned into lullabies, but gems that calm and relax both adults and whippersnappers. any ideas?

"Multitasking is a myth."

2009-05-05T19:08:00.000-07:00

i've noticed over the past couple years a sharp decline in my ability to focus, especially when i'm online. i much prefer a print newspaper or a book, because within a few minutes--maybe even seconds; i should time it--i find myself thinking about moving on when i read online.

so when i started reading Ear Plugs to Lasers: The Science of Concentration, i made an effort to quell my nomadic ways.

this part grabbed me:

“Multitasking is a myth,” Ms. Gallagher said. “You cannot do two things at once. The mechanism of attention is selection: it’s either this or it’s that.” She points to calculations that the typical person’s brain can process 173 billion bits of information over the course of a lifetime.

i wish the journalist had expanded on this concept, because my ability to multi-task is both a talent and a curse, and i'd love to know more about the benefits and flaws of this approach... AND why it's a myth.

what do graffiti and cookies have in common?

2009-05-03T07:47:00.000-07:00

it's official: we love our sweet new home. the place feels a bit grownup: dishwasher, laundry, driveway... and also quite homey.

on our first day here, while david was hanging the shower curtain near the open bathroom window, our neighbor passing between our two houses introduced herself. i peeked through the window to extend my greetings, and then a couple hours later, she showed up at our front door accompanied by her adorable curly-haired son to welcome us with fresh-baked cookies. her son proudly yelped that HE made them. so nice!

this episode--ripped from the americana headlines--was oddly juxtaposed to our former neighborhood's farewell address. david was almost finished cleaning, and left the apartment for a few minutes to run an errand. he returned to find this.

on our front door. former front door.

for those of you who usually hang here...

2009-04-22T17:58:00.000-07:00

i thought i'd bring you a taste of what goes on in other places. (take a detour)

hawt

2009-04-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

it's super hot here.

and today i wore my cutest hot-weather outfit which begs a question: if i want to be cute each day, should i wear this every day? is that just another pregnancy card i can flash?

the temp is supposed to drop 40 degrees by friday. 56 is the projection, and i'm delighted (so's the furr pants nearby).

first class

2009-04-08T18:47:00.001-07:00

david and i went on a tour of the birthing center last night. such a unique crowd of attendees--mostly couples, a few singles, and a smattering of what seemed to be parental figures chaperoning their pregnant relatives. david and i were both amused by the real concern displayed around the bathroom (most needed to see it) and the questions about video cameras, digital cameras, and wifi. we were just happy that the rooms seemed pleasant, accommodating, private, and showcased knock-out views of the city. honestly. a billionaire would bulldoze the hospital to sport those breathtaking views of the city and golden gate park. pretty impressive.

other than the rooms, we learned the protocols, met a nurse, and were reassured that they really do know what they're doing. we had a nice chat with a lactation assistant (who was also our tour guide) on the way out, and she wished us well. genuinely.

a different sort of moving

2009-04-06T20:35:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting here, tears falling, watching my belly button shift and undulate. david caught an incredible sweeping across my belly, where a foot-elbow-hand-what? left a red mark like a falling star shooting through the sky.

my belly button's days are numbered.

moving.

2009-04-04T04:34:00.001-07:00

there are a couple moves in my future: one pretty cool, one pretty lame. the latter is an office move from a mod, breezy, light-filled area to an old-school gray cube, reminiscent of my first seattle job circa 1998. dang.

i'm committed to breaking up the gray. since the walls are that yucky fabric stuff, my thoughts turn to covering parts with cool fabric or hanging colorful posters. any other suggestions? i've searched online for tips, and one inane article offered that a candy dish and plants spice up the space. yow.

my move needs to happen in the next 2 weeks, and i'd love to have a plan for redecorating before then so i don't have to endure the drabness.

blog like it's twitter

2009-03-30T03:40:00.000-07:00

i wish i could sleep. i know i need it. perhaps i should shut the laptop.

2009-03-23T19:48:00.000-07:00

i was driven to my hotel--an hour's drive--by someone who knew a few more english words than my personal spanish vocabulary. it was a comedy of errors. we'd laugh after understanding about 2 words of what each said, and then we'd be quiet for 20 minutes. we drove through many towns, fended off people trying to sell us stuff when we'd slow down, and stopped right next to a truck with a lion, tigers, and a few jaguars behind bars. rodriguez drove a small car, and i sat in the front. it was as if a friend were taking me somewhere... a friend who didn't speak the same language as me.

tonight i ate at the hotel restaurant. at first, i wandered to the bar, believing it was more chill than the white tablecloths, but the bartender didn't speak english, and neither did the menu. if i had been in a different condition, the spanish wouldn't have stopped me, but pragmatism prevailed, so i wandered to the restaurant and was welcomed by english and mole. ahhh, delicious mole. and the sprig of parsley that taunted me... i always eat my garnish! my will was victorious.

and leon's getting lahhhhger

2009-03-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

yep. that's how i roll. i've spent the past 48 hours with my dear friend kintea, and during the latter half of the 48, she said, "have you gotten bigger?"

indeed. every minute of the day... as i type...

reality tv?

2009-03-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

why do most television shows focus on the horrors of pregnancy? everything i've seen lately--even the most trivial-pure-entertainment-only shows have some sort of scary drama or just plain DRA-MA about giving birth, about being pregnant, about something that just doesn't sit all that well with me. time to turn it off.

larger, slower, feet up

2009-03-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

that's what i am.

i strained a muscle last week that's definitely on the mend, but becomes aggravated when i stand up after sitting. in order to prepare for traveling and sitting, i've slowed down, stopped walking so much, and after today, i plan to wear my sneakers as often as possible.

during all of this self-preservation, lots of big, exciting events have cropped up--all at once! tenure, new apartment, cool travel opportunities. march has been crazy, it's true. and also, pretty great.

(thanks for the shot, anastasia!)

my baby likes the tuba

2009-02-23T21:38:00.000-08:00

she also responds to her daddy's enthusiasm. (lucky for her, his zeal and energy is commonplace.) obama's voice sends her into flips and turns, and the ooompa resonance of Beirut's tuba encourages what may be early attempts at a vigorous waltz.

what fun to behold and imagine.

we had an envelope

2009-02-18T06:50:00.000-08:00

it was sealed
inside were the contents
of a lifetime
we opened it

dive into music

2009-02-15T19:31:00.001-08:00

i learned recently that the whippersnapper can hear and recognize voices and sounds. this fact blazed into sharp focus the other night when david returned from class, animated and excited to retell the night's events. i didn't realize it at first, but the lil' ws started an in-utero acrobatic dance when david spoke. remarkable.

so i've been thinking about music to play more often, and added eric satie to my list for its beauty, its creativity, its soothing lullaby-esque melodies, and the obvious: i love it, and i'm certain the ws knows that, too. we're listening to beirut right now, another favorite of ours. the old world quality, the inclination toward dramatic waltzes peppered with the essence of fellini films has a timelessness i love. it's the stuff that evokes fast-forward dreams of a family twirling around the living room, smiling.

firsts

2009-02-14T21:56:00.001-08:00

today began with david feeling the lil' whippersnapper for the very first time. my face hurt, i was smiling so hard and for so long as david murmured and commented on the oddity and strength of the movement. how marvelous to move this solo experience to a shared one.

last night, people i didn't know noticed i was in the family way. that was a first.

this past week i started going to prenatal yoga. i've had some biases i've kept fairly quiet about the culture of yoga on the west coast, but i checked them at the door and wandered in with an open mind. and it was lovely. so many different shapes and sizes and experiences filled the room. two women were at 41 weeks and shared some lessons--don't keep working until the last days, take time to relax, to contemplate, take naps--and both hoped they wouldn't be at the friday class. they weren't. the instructor started off the session with participant introductions that included the current week of each woman's gestation and, "how are you feeling?" when someone wasn't feeling tip-top, she'd offer suggestions on how to correct it. she's also a midwife. she nurtured and encouraged with humor and genuine care, and when i showed up a second time, she made a point of welcoming me back.

nene knows

2009-02-08T19:08:00.000-08:00

nene knows something has been up for a while now. how, i'm not sure, but she's pretty crafty, and after being around me for over 14 years, it's not surprising she noticed--like i notice--something's a bit different.

as you can imagine, she acts differently, too. she tends to follow me a bit more, and shifts in her favorite blue chair when i alternate between cooking and now, blogging. she's facing me right now.

and the morning ritual has changed. in the past, nene could be coaxed to snuggle under the covers for just a bit, and always next to me, not on me. now, she shows up each morning, "purring like a maniac" (as david puts it) and crawls tenderly across me to find a soft spot on top of me. the maniacal purring continues as she snuggles in, so close to my face, that we spend minutes just staring at each other. david caught it this morning on film.

eating well during tough economic times

2009-02-06T19:18:00.000-08:00

i started reading Nutritional Insights on Saving Money today, hoping it would cover how eating well, even when budgets are tight, is a good investment.

alas, the writer spoke of limiting what you eat, or tapping in to the guilt you feel afterward, or leaving the chicken bones on your plate during a meal to visually gauge the amount of food ingested.

lame.

i wanted to hear about behavioral changes, or more about this juicy nugget that kicked off the piece:

If you eat right, you’ll have more energy. That makes you more likely to succeed at work and earn more money. Then, you’ll be able to afford better food, stay healthy and spend less on medical costs. And the virtuous circle continues.
That’s the way it’s supposed to work. The reality — reflected in bulging waistlines and debt loads — is that Americans generally haven’t shown much discipline at McDonald’s, the mall or in the mortgage market.

i finished the article, disappointed. there were no stats on eating better, or eating well cheaply, or eating locally to stimulate the economy. instead, we're to record what we eat, like a budget. and try to do better next time.

the planter is gone, and now maybe so is the junk

2009-02-04T18:44:00.000-08:00

the past couple of years, david and i embarked on a project to beautify and build community on our block. we persevered through planter and entire plant disappearances, a few episodes of tagging, and various piles of garbage left inside and outside our planter. finally, our landlord asked to dispose of the remaining planter, and we agreed to that term.

but the garbage continued a few doors down. we always hypothesized that it was our neighbors who were hauling and dumping enormous amounts of junk on the street--furniture, bags of clothes, mattresses, all tossed in an untidy pile for the street cleaners to scoop up with their shovels. what made the unsightly mass even worse was the nightly scroungers who'd pick apart and distribute the junk along the block. well, last night as david and i were returning home from dinner, a u-haul truck was parked up on the sidewalk. as we neared, we visibly startled two women as they scurried from the truck to their home, filling it quickly. i sensed something was up.

this morning, two sheriff's cars drove slowly by our home, pointing at a building nearby. they stopped, got out, and began talking with someone on the street. david overheard someone--likely the building's owner--say, "thousands of dollars of damage." he shared that the inhabitants left in the middle of the night. turns out something WAS up, and we're hoping it may mean the end of the mess.

butterflies, bands, and bellies

2009-02-02T21:42:00.001-08:00

i've entered the domain of elastic bands, and let me tell you: it's heaven.

until now, i was skeptical about the elastaband pants, but after sliding that soft n' snugly stretchy fabric over my expansion, i was sold. i didn't take them off. i handed over my jeans, and asked the clerk to de-tag me. i was done with low-slung, pinchy pants.

that same day i felt the flutter, the butterflies, the bloop... bloop. so remarkable and amazing and unbelievable to recognize the touch of another being. it's impossible to focus when someone is knocking at the door.

full blown

2009-01-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

today a co-worker said something about, "when you're full blown..." and i can't stop giggling about the image that phrase evokes. each day i share something new with her--like the fact that when i sit down, i have this rotund ball spilling over my lap that surprises me each time i see it (which is a lot). and how yesterday i suddenly "popped." people who hadn't noticed suddenly did, and those who were just told became wide-eyed when they saw me. what they didn't know is that i was right there with them: i hadn't noticed how i'd changed until i spied my reflection in the women's bathroom.

these daily moments reminded me that there's been a bunch of cross-country calls for photos, so here we go:

david wasn't around to help with the visual design--promise i'll work on something a bit more arty for the next installment.

many things are different

2009-01-25T18:07:00.000-08:00

after periods of elation, of worry, of amazement, of disbelief, of hunger, of exhaustion, of distraction, of wonder, of more emotions than i can list, i'm experiencing stasis, balance.

i did, however, lose my balance momentarily--another sort of balance--just yesterday while standing still and moving my foot ever so slightly. turns out this is a normal response to a shifted center of gravity. but mentally, i'm feeling a bit more in control, which is nice. these days i think of new dwellings, of names, of love, of change, of growth, of history, of the marvel of life.

what i did over winter break

2009-01-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

i ate.
i slept.
i read.

repeat.

my time was well spent, and i'm well refreshed because of it. seems like most of my co-workers felt the same, too. every person i polled responded with a dreamy expression, sharing that they did nothing, meaning no work, no hassles, no drama = nothing. this all made the work environs the first day back more chill than normal, which was pretty sweet.

in my opinion, it was all made possible because my work shuts down over the holidays. no one works--it's a forced holiday, so no one worries about what they need to accomplish or what they're missing. there's nothing to miss! we should shut down more often.

you can tell a lot...

2008-12-19T18:12:00.000-08:00

...about a person by the gift for which they trade at a white elephant party. this was the case at my work party yesterday afternoon. after over 60 of us tore open our gifts, we began to nudge and prod our way through a crowded room, trying to hawk our wares.

i watched a bewildered 20-something male walk slowly past, sizing up my friend and i as he tried to determine if we would take his bait. i mentioned to him that the book he was cradling was likely a gem--Jhumpa Lahiri's latest work, "Unaccustomed Earth." He looked at me quizzically and replied, "really? Do you want it?" "No," I responded. "I'm super stoked about my jump rope." Later, I saw him walking around with a sex-themed board game, his gait much more confident.

A colleague from Paris was stumped by a Kleenex box cover in the shape of a face with a protruding proboscis offering the next tissue. I was of no help; who would want THAT? Later, I saw the new owner proudly displaying his new gift due to a swap of an austerely-decorated bowl.

Alas, a workmate was unable to trade her pair of golden Thinkers. We suggested she keep them at her desk and do multiple reps with each to improve her muscles during long phone meetings.

And yeah, I'm pretty stoked about my jump rope.

nothing much, just a snapshot in time

2008-12-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

walking home from work with my buddy susan the other day, i commented on this sad cafe with a common name. being an avid photo-taker, she encouraged me to step into the frame.

not much to say, 'cept this is a fairly typical scene in my life: me, bars, and backpack. :)

ode to a bread baker

2008-12-08T20:59:00.000-08:00

i remember a time when i made bread into the wee hours of the night, spurred on by a desire to create, to share, to savor.

now david got his hands on my favorite all-purpose bread recipe, and is making his 2nd loaf of the week right now! how did i get so lucky?

<--- that's my first bite, an early morning sunday prelude to a proper breakfast.

papers and plastics

2008-12-06T15:11:00.000-08:00

earlier today we talked about how little waste we produce, a fact brought into sharp focus when we had food delivered last night. the restaurant was good to ask in advance if we needed silverware and napkins--i said no--but the additional paper products were unavoidable. our little garbage can--a re-used plastic gallon pot from a nursery--was pushed to half-full capacity with one meal. we typically empty our garbage every other week, and this one meal likely changed our routine. between using biobags, composting, and no paper products (toilet paper is all we use), our garbage production is pretty slim. i imagine this experience will influence future delivery decisions, which means less laziness. drat!

wandering

2008-11-29T17:43:00.000-08:00

had a lovely day negotiating the sidewalks of chinatown this fine sunny morn. when the shops began to look like close-knit twins, we ducked into the first dim sum spot we spied. the luck of our draw was obvious: the dish making the rounds before we sat down was a glistening stack of chinese broccoli.

sold.

may not eat until sunday.

not only...

2008-11-24T17:22:00.001-08:00

... is our president-elect smarter than our current leader, but our spam is smarter, too.

don't get me wrong: not all spam is smarter. but consider for a moment the emails inter-newbies and relatives send that clogs up servers and makes you wince each time you spy "FW:" in the subject line.

remember when you used to get the video of the sleeping kitty falling off the tv, or the animated gif of santa's elf with your uncle's head on it? i haven't received one of those in quite a spell, but i HAVE received many emails with this:

(read the complete article)

alas, the list of those to thank for sending this is too lengthy. love it.

my first 24 hours

2008-11-14T22:13:00.000-08:00

about 48 hours after our newly-anointed president was tapped, i went to an almost-blue state. that'd be north carolina. jesse helms territory. formerly libby dole turf.

but this isn't about my lovely blue state trip. it's about the 24 hours that followed. while in nc, many kind folks ooohed and ahhhed about the city and asked me what it was like to live in such a great spot. i shared some of the usual and some of the unexpected: like how small-town it feels at times because of its size and because many dwellers go by foot. these two characteristics make path crossings a surprising reality.

to prove my point, here's a tale of my first 24 hours.

my first morning i was exuberant. it was one of those glorious days both in mind and spirit, and i was taking full advantage by walking to work. i offered a good morning to each person i passed, sometimes receiving a quizzical response, yet always a positive one. i passed a woman at a bus stop with a cute hat and complimented her on it. she smiled and laughed. at a crosswalk i told a woman i loved her coat, and she did the most curious thing. she looked at me and said,

"thank you. it's the craziest thing that you said that to me, because i was thinking--just now--how i liked it, but i wanted to give it away, especially to someone who'd like it. do you want it?"

i was a bit taken aback. no one had ever propositioned clothes to me on a street corner. she continued, saying that she couldn't give it to me right now because she'd be too cold, but she works nearby and she'll give me her information so i can contact her. i decided quickly that it didn't matter if i liked the coat or if it didn't fit. there was something special about this connection and this woman and i planned to take her up on it. we introduced ourselves, i found out where she works, and she handed over her contact info.

i emailed her today. haven't heard back yet, but i'm sure i will.

and then that evening, david and i enjoyed tapas at a table by the street, and who should jump to the window to make a face, but our sweet friend greg. i leapt to the sidewalk, gave him a kiss, returned to our table, and thought: man, this is a great small town.

the day before

2008-11-03T21:40:00.000-08:00

there's lots of anxiety and hope around work today. a workmate announced that she had no time or space to even consider a president mccain. it was nice to have such an optimist nearby.

while walking outside during pouring and blowing rain, i noticed a woman without any rain gear, and invited her inside my umbrella. she was a bit surprised, and i offered, "there's room for both of us, and i'm walking your way."

she immediately warmed to the idea, and as we walked side-by-side, she asked me if i had heard about obama's grandmother dying today. i said i had, and she said that she was thinking so much about today and tomorrow, and i looked her in the eye, and said,

"isn't it remarkable that we live in a place where we can discuss this topic openly?"

and she said, emphatically, "oh yes! yes."

and she was on her way.

pride

2008-11-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

mom and i were talking about voting the other day. i shared that i'm the type of absentee voter who doesn't fully trust the mail-in system; i walk to a poll and hand my ballot to an official at a polling place, or in some cases, i've inserted my ballot into a voting machine.

mom asked if i were certain the rules permitted this type of voting, because in her precinct this practice was not allowed. (a bit unnerved, i promptly consulted the official guidelines in california and learned that i was in the right. whew.) mom knows these things because she's an official--a head official--at her precinct. what does this mean? it means she spends 16 hours each election day checking rolls, answering questions, and ensuring all rules are followed and voters are satisfied with their experience. mom's a marvel: the last time she worked the polls for the recent primary, she was diagnosed (and not contagious) with walking pneumonia. her sense of duty led her to work that day, even though i--and likely others--encouraged her to call in sick.

i'm not sure what led her to be a poll worker, but i imagine it has much to do with a feeling of responsibility to her community. this is the same drive that led her to be a nurse, to volunteer at our school library and then our public library, the same impulse that leads her to say, "are you ok?" and the same altruism that sparks relief in all when she arrives at a time of crisis.

each election day i think of mom, hoarse from talking all day, and playing her part to ensure our rights are protected.

lines

2008-10-29T18:47:00.000-07:00

lengthy lines snaking to reach polling places
bring tears to my eyes.
makes me remember what's important.

(nytimes slide show)

just as long as he appears to damage obama, he's satisfied.

2008-10-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

McCain isn't totally certain of his position, but he sure is trying hard:

i'm insulted by palin's claim that she's from middle america

2008-10-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

but i'm beginning to feel a bit better.

maybe it's my friends who typically eschew politics, who are standing up, speaking out, and listening.
maybe it's my friend's southern republican ex-senator father who whole-heartedly supports obama.
maybe it's the 9 point lead.
maybe it's michigan.
maybe it's because mccain disappeared to his ranch this weekend.
maybe it's my mom's recent experience in nebraska:

worried about wearing her obama t-shirt, mom cautiously peppered relatives with covert questions to gauge the political tenor of middle america. she soon learned that all--white, mid-60's, small town folks--were enthusiastic obama supporters. mom quickly and confidently replaced her nebraska football shirt for obama's mug (a symbolic act in itself) and cavorted across nebraska, receiving enthusiastic cheers at a retirement home and nary a jeer at various other locations throughout the heartland.

a red state, mind you.

i don't want the new pres to "be like me"

2008-09-26T16:59:00.000-07:00

i'm watching the debate tonight. i'm a little tense due to my bank being sold and the fate of our country in the hands of people i worry won't do the right thing.

the right thing.

people have such different ideas.

like this:

COURIC: Have you ever been involved in any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

PALIN: We have trade missions back and forth, we do. It’s very important when you consider even national-security issues with Russia. As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It’s Alaska. It’s just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right next to, they are right next to our state.

she speaks like she's using boggle to cobble together her words. geez.

open the box.

2008-09-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

i used to be a big fan of pandora. i've talked about it before, and haven't used it much lately, as some peeps turned me on to lastfm a couple years back.

tonight i went to an online community meetup at work where pandora's community manager shared her tips, tricks, and challenges managing their enormous community of music lovers and listeners. i was reminded of the pure joy i experienced the first time i was introduced to the music genome project. i had never spent time considering the attributes that comprise my musical taste, and was surprised and intrigued by pandora's selections for me, as opposed to annoyed by other music sites that based their tune choices on radio play or a malformed "if you like this.. algorithm.

for i like...

minor key tonality
a subtle use of vocal harmonies
mild rhythmic syncopation

it's true. i think i'll listen some more.

and yes, the comm manager is a librarian. love it.

love this.

2008-09-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

hello, brain

2008-09-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

today marked the first day where the fog cleared and the momentum and clarity moved moved moved me forward into a very productive day. whew. i've been home sick all week, and was feeling pretty wussy about it, until today blossomed into a day where it seems i'm caught up on all i may have missed. now, many of my team members have been out with strep and flus and colds, so the bar was lowered, but still. whew. felt nice to actually enjoy the work and the stimulation. hi there. i'm back.

whilst i was a bit googly-eyed, we received a most remarkable email from a new participant to the september project. from guatemala. he exclaimed, "for freedom!" at the end of his inspired post about how his library is marking september, "the month of Freedom and Independence." i liked that quite a bit.

this is pretty rad, too:

i'm sick of being sick.

2008-09-11T09:15:00.001-07:00

:(

pretty much my entire team at work is sick. all of us in our homes, not sharing the yuck.

a thousand points of bullcrap

2008-09-05T17:35:00.000-07:00

this made me feel better.

this is one part i don't get

2008-09-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

"When I first heard about Palin, I was impressed,” said Pamela Moore, a mother of two from Birmingham, Ala. But upon reading that Ms. Palin’s special-needs child was three days old when she went back to work, Ms. Moore began questioning the governor’s judgment. Partly as a result, she plans to vote for Senator Barack Obama." (read on)

i'd like to hear her response.

i [heart] this photo

2008-08-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

kenya: mama sarah obama, elated.

first day of school

2008-08-28T07:58:00.001-07:00

"an article on tyra banks is way better than anything from a communications textbook." *
- D. Silver

*there was more about gender, media, culture, and stuff, but i prefer the soundbite-no-context sorta quote.

things i love things i hate

2008-08-25T23:27:00.000-07:00

i just finished watching amelie, which, among other things, reminded me of what i love and hate. rather than construct my history around that dichotomy, i decided to think fast about recent loves/hates:

1. walking down york street
2. the smell of roast chicken
3. a long hug
4. hope

that's it for now. thinking positively, so no negs.

mentioning memories

2008-08-23T11:39:00.001-07:00

over a fancy late lunch at a stylish cafe in the city, i asked my parents, "what is your fondest memory of childhood?" my father thought a moment, and then shared that his best memories were of fashioning games to play by himself. he was the youngest of two, his older sister 6 years his senior, and likely none too interested in the comings and goings of her kid brother.

the question sparked memories of my own: giggling hysterically with my sister, weaving ridiculous stories, making up games, and repeating silly quotes that we exchange to this day. the moments i remember most clearly were daring my sister to do things that we both knew were trouble-inducing, like a pudding facial at the dinner table or pasting Teen Beat posters to our bedroom wall with chunky peanut butter. she'd accept my outlandish challenges partly out of a quest for fun and partly out of trust. our giggles would continue even as the approaching heavy steps signaled impending punishment.

i wonder which moments my sister recalls, and of those, which memories match mine. ahhh, the mind plays tricks.

nostalgique

2008-08-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

i began using my comb again.

teeth are missing, but it pleases me that my college roommate delights in seeing how some things do not change.

i walk.

2008-08-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

i walk to and fro to work each day, and each day i see things.

i see a homeless person in the same spot for months, looking more forlorn each day, and then he disappears. i see children walking to school, clutching their moms' hands, and scurrying to join friends once they reach the school's gate. today i saw a bus that didn't slow down at its stop, and in the place where the route is usually displayed, "CALL 911 THE POLICE" was emblazoned on the front and back of the vehicle. I stopped, focusing on the driver, who looked--as much as I could tell--normal. I kept walking, telling myself it was probably a mistake, immediately followed by "I don't want to be the sort of person who thinks someone else will respond to a call for help."

So I called 911 and explained what I saw. It was likely a mistake. And now the cops have my cell phone number.

---
update: 8/19
someone asked me if i learned anything about what was up, if this were a "runaway bus," so i looked into it.

and found nothing.
and a bit of something:

from sfist.com: "This is a way for the drivers to be discrete and have the police notified. Please call it in. Remember the number on the bus, coach, trolley - the direction of travel, where you last saw it and any odd observations you may have seen."

somehow, without even trying

2008-08-14T23:10:00.000-07:00

i will miss the olympics. completely.

and without regret.

i'm feeling san francisco

2008-08-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

watching the movie version of "tales of the city"... who knew that laura linney and parker posey and olympia dukakis shined in this lovely tale?

i'm also reading "a day in san francisco" by dorothy bryant. didn't mean to invite these two to the same dance...

i wore leg warmers to warm my legs and i'm proud of it.

2008-08-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

today a friend told me she had to work out at the gym because it was too hot to be outside. she told me this as i was about to reach for my scarf and head home.

"uhhh, i'm wearing leg warmers today.
and a hooded sweater.
with a long-sleeved t-shirt underneath.
and a scarf."

she was aghast. she lives in kansas, where it's 110 degrees, like the rest of the country. she thought it had something to do with global warming (colding?). i told her it had nothing to do with greenhouse gases or harmful chemicals, and more with it being august in the city. you know, winter and summer, transposed.

dude, where's my tv?

2008-08-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

the impending digital tv transition has been the topic of a few recent conversations. one, it seems as though the people we know don't actually know about what's to happen in early '09. most have newer, fancier, flatter tvs than we do.

as we're not a part of that set, i signed up for my gov't-sponsored rebate program. this rebate has been the stuff of flummox. why would our government subsidize tv? why spend oodles of money on psas, direct mail, and debit card processing (no paper checks--credit cards)? you'd think they were selling... oh right, tv.

david picked up the converter at best buy-- a traumatic event in itself--and the box has sat in our back room, unopened

until last night. none of the literature listed any side effects to installing it pre-conversion, so i thought i'd try it out. what happened was unexpected: our 4-channel existence was altered by 400%. we now have access to around 40-50 clear-reception channels. huh? seems that this digital thing is more than improved pixels. i smell danger. i'm not sure i like this. where's my remote?

best IM sesh, ever.

2008-07-23T15:11:00.000-07:00

i've never felt a need to share an IM exchange, but this one was too rich. and i've never burst into tears at work from laughing so hard:
(note the "***" for the expletive)

Ryan says:
david's hair is a continual source of amazement and joy for me.

Ryan says:
it keeps getting more profound.

swash says:
i can't stop laughing

swash says:
my co-workers think i've lost my mind

Ryan says:
:)

swash says:
one just stopped by and was frightened by the tears streaming down my face

Ryan says:
haha.

swash says:
he's one of the more fragile peeps around here, but STILL

swash says:
i'm glad you appreciate his hair. he often asks me if it's too crazy, and i don't know what to say... i mean, i LOVE it, and i think i'm not a good judge of crazy, or hippie, or...

Ryan says:
i think it's TOTALLY F***ING AWESOME.

Ryan says:
i don't just think that, i KNOW it.

note to self

2008-07-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

i'm going to think long and hard about this:

"i am best at what i can't do.

it has become my ability to feel strong and confident in these situations. i feel free to move, to listen to my heart, to learn, to act even if that means i will make mistakes.

if you want a creative life, do what you can't and experience the beauty of the mistakes you make."

--marcel wanders, a "professional amateur," excerpted from the latest book to capture my attention.

the plains have my imagination

2008-07-04T18:42:00.000-07:00

the last two books i read were about the spaces in between spaces, the literal ones, the plains. set in colorado, the first novel coasted on the precipice of something deep, of qualities unmasked by an exterior roughened, yet shadowed by an emotional content of which the characters were unprepared to express. the second novel delved into the tragedies that define and envelope those who inhabit a small nebraskan town.

coincidentally, these two depictions of life on the prairie are surfacing in my own life, as i travel to colorado to meet with those from the heartland, and to visit a new friend who lives in a community where the library is the only non-residential building in town.

what luck to have these thoughts as my travel companions.

i am not your friend

2008-06-25T21:30:00.000-07:00

i'm a rule setter. i like to set boundaries, develop strategies. i usually don't try something new without thinking about it, and so when i decided to sign up for a certain social networking site, i had parameters.

and i've held to them.

the implications are varied:

1. i don't download applications. i have truckloads of stored up karma, hugs, green patches, and a grab bag of good wishes. i assure you that each gift was heartfelt, i just can't accept them through the vehicle provided.

2. i don't accept friends who aren't friends. this one may be a bit tough for some, but if i don't hang with you, i likely didn't accept your friend request. (however if you read my blog, i'm happy to make an exception. sorry i ignored your request!)

3. i don't offer up much about myself. true, a visitor can cobble together a decent story by reading updates and such, but i keep my profile fairly spare.

i told a friend about the structures i have in place, and she thought we should have recorded my soliloquy for a spoken word. perhaps i'll include it in my profile.

it does not follow

2008-06-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

i pretty much need to get to the bottom of things.

i'm exacting. i'm precise. i ask questions.

i'm also scattered.

these two characteristics have been on my mind recently, but not at the same time. not until i started writing this post--right now--did i remember a personality test my colleagues and i took at the gates foundation. it was quite informal; we lollygagged on islands of blankets strewn lazily on a grassy lawn, ticking off answers to questions, and then waited impatiently to divulge the impending scarlet letter we all would have to bear.

my label? i'm concrete random. how's that for a dichotomy?

indeed. a precise scatterer.

[and now i shall make an example of myself. i digress. my original topic of this post had nothing to do with the scattered side of me, but i will now showcase that characteristic by changing the subject. dramatically.]

my sister and i were talking about products--moisturizers, in particular. i rallied for SPF worn daily in my best i'm-older-and-wiser tact. it went without saying that i wasn't talking about just any SPF, but an organic one that doesn't have all the trappings of a powerplant (an aside: david and i use different sunscreens). and then, when chatting with a friend yesterday, she posited that the chemicals found in SPF products--even the organic ones--may be more unhealthy than time spent in the sun.

so i researched. and when reading the paper today, i learned that the chemicals are indeed bad for someone--marine life. after reading the comments to the piece, i followed a link to SkinDeep, a site i have visited in the past, but not to rank my sunscreen choice. the fine folks at SD showed me the best and worst sunscreens, and although my current screen isn't a complete dud, it didn't make an appearance in the top 150! i also learned that even the top sunscreen may be linked to cancer. while i'm not ready to quit the SPF-a-day kick, i could certainly do better, and i will.

building community, one plant at a time

2008-06-08T16:08:00.000-07:00

part of our experiment with the planters in front of our home was to see if by being present, and by adding to our neighborhood in an intentional way, we would become part of the neighborhood, and part of keeping it clean and safe.

today i noted a trend as i applied the second coat of paint to remove the tags that appeared last weekend. each time i've sat outside with paint brush in hand, someone says hello, or at the very least, notices. there are times when i'm the first to greet, but often passersby are curious and slow their pace when they see me. today, two men noticed my handiwork, and stopped to say, "that's nice." i turned to greet them, and one pointed to the new planters supplied by our neighbors (more on that story, below) and asked, "are you adding more?" i shared that they were from our neighbors, and that we were all trying to fill the sidewalk with green and beauty. he smiled and said warmly, "thank you so much for doing this. thank you."

he and his friend walked away, and to my surprise, they entered the door nearest ours. they were our neighbors.

neighborly planting
about a month ago, a guy was sweeping furiously outside our door and along the sidewalk. i'd never seen him, or anyone clean the sidewalk, so i asked if he lived nearby. he nodded and pointed to the building next to ours, and we began to swap stories about the junk people dump on our sidewalk. i shared our plan to fill the sidewalk with green, and told him about the planters that had been stolen, and of our determination to continue. our scheme intrigued him, and he offered to participate, saying that he and his roommates would buy big planters that couldn't be stolen easily. he became animated and dramatic, exclaiming, "one day you'll come out and you'll see us adding plants all along the sidewalk."

i wondered if he and his partying crew (they once had a dj with a stereo system hooked up to his bicycle performing a gig on the sidewalk) would made good on their promise, and then last week when we returned from seattle, there they were: two large planters with CACTI. brilliant. the chance that someone will scoop out these plants and walk away is slim. fingers crossed.

the process by which groups of people make decisions: politics

2008-06-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

i didn't support hillary clinton in her bid for the nomination. this was never a difficult decision for me to make: her politics, her style, and her perspective on issues simply did not resonate with me.

however, when reading about her suspension today--and i believe it's important to use the word "suspend," the word clinton used, and not call it a "concession"--i wondered how i would have felt back in college, when i first became politically engaged, when her husband first ran, and when i first understood what it meant to be a feminist. these "firsts" may have indeed influenced my leaning toward hillary as a candidate. it makes me smile, remembering so brazenly wearing a "vote for hillary's husband" t-shirt in my small midwestern college town. i was labelled a Liberal, a word that filled me with a sense of pride and rebellion, and a word that has different connotations for me today.

a good friend (who was far more sophisticated than i) helped me to understand that identifying as a feminist didn't mean that one voted for a woman at any cost. i remember ruminating over that concept while i sat across from the ice cream station in the dining hall of my all-women's dorm. i had to re-think, to re-adjust my fervent belief that women needed all of my support and all of my attention, especially those women who aspired to participate in the political process as candidates.

just the other day, i shared with this friend how her lesson was an important addition to my political and personal values, one that helped shape me as a questioning, and curious member of this world. both of us do not support hillary now, yet both of us understand the importance of her bid, of her success, and of her determination, as frustrating as it may have been to observe.

"Escalator safety is an issue we take very seriously, and we are looking into this report."

2008-06-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

apparently shoe companies also care about escalators, which is heartening.

--> if only they cared about fashion, too.

thanks to jewlee--who understands me more than most--for alerting me to this continuing saga.

me, not me.

2008-05-22T22:13:00.000-07:00

david met my doppelganger yesterday. well, he didn't really meet her, but he thought he was married to her.

we made plans to meet each other after my hair cut appointment. david was to meet me at the salon, but since i was let out 30 minutes early, i plum forgot to hang around and wait for him. but he didn't. david showed up, saw someone in a chair who looked like me, and promptly took a seat. the kind people at the salon gave him a drink and encouraged him to wait for the woman who was not me.

the next twenty minutes looked like this: david waved at the woman, and wondered why i didn't notice him through the mass of hair colorant and foil on my head that wasn't mine. he continually looked in her direction, awaiting some sort of acknowledgment, or courtesy extended his way. he wondered what could be so pressing about the hair service that she couldn't simply gesture, wave, say hi.

it wasn't until she reached into a big purse and unearthed a plastic water bottle, that david learned the unthinkable: this woman he thought was me was definitely not me. david set his drink down, and skirted out the door.

the shock hadn't yet subsided when we met a few minutes later at the restaurant. as he was weaving this bizarre story, i shared i knew precisely who he was talking about. she and i had been waiting next to each other on the sofa, and two separate people stopped to mention how much alike we looked, that we could be sisters, especially because we were dressed similarly. i told the woman i thought she had a cool hairdo, not knowing that soon, my husband would spend 20 minutes in a dreamland, believing she was me.

alert: ridiculous generalization

2008-05-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine who is around 7 months pregnant (i say "around" because every time she says what week she's at, i say, "what's that in non-pregnant time?") and i were chatting at the water cooler today about women who admit to loving pregnancy. she's of the camp who is counting the days until this time of her life ceases, so we took the opportunity to make wild conjectures, and distill women-who-love into two categories:

1. women whose job requires they maintain a dangerous and under-nourished weight.

models, actresses, and other non-essential workers use pregnancy as a time to catch up on eating, and luxuriate in the feeding frenzy.

2. women who seek attention.

according to some of my pregnant and recently-pregnant friends, the attention bestowed on the growing belly is an often tedious and unappealing byproduct of procreation. some women, however, relish this newfound attention and accept bus seats and personal questions.

i'm sure there are more ridiculous generalizations, but this is all we had time to craft during our brief work break...

addendum: number 6

2008-05-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

6. i bought a mac (!)
'been thinking about it for a while, and was ready to make the plunge when i read lee's post about making the switch.

don't get me wrong: i was ready. really ready. and after reading lee's exploits, i feel as though i have more reasons to get in touch with him than just to scheme (although i feel a sesh in the making...). now we can chat about how his trailblazer ways will help me get over the little annoyances with more clarity and elegance (read: alleviating the, "holy crap, how do i do this???" moments).

thanks in advance, lee :)

top five new experiences

2008-05-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

1. dance dance
i'm not a gamer, but when a buddy who works at cnet gave me a tour that ended at one of the employee lounges equipped with arcade games, and he invited me to play "dance dance revolution," i figured if librarians at the last few conferences i've attended can join in, so can i. after a few misunderstandings about the dance cues, past gym classes in the 80's where we learned the hustle really paid off!

2. civic duty
for the first time in my life, i was summoned to jury duty. i was very excited, and like most experiences in my life, i was well-prepared. i dressed nicely, i read the pamphlets, i emptied my mind of biases (ha!), and readied myself for days, maybe weeks, of deliberation. you can imagine my disappointment when i was the 2nd juror asked to leave. my bias? i work for a non-profit. in the minds of the plaintiff's lawyers, i'm a classic do-gooder.

3. mt. tam
david and i spent a magical afternoon at a mountaintop birthday party this weekend. our perch overlooked both bolinas and the city. it was glorious.

4. goat farm visit
took a trip to a sweet goat farm, where we watched the cheesemakers frolic and had an opportunity to benefit from their good eats and luxurious lifestyle. mmmm cheese!

5. highway one delight
enjoyed a roadtrip to big sur with a good friend visiting from seattle. as midwesterners often do, we took a weekend drive that led us to sights both remarkable and memorable.

college roomie, political superstar

2008-04-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

well, maybe just "superstar," for juggling a crazy mom and work schedule to get out yesterday and learn from a democratic candidate in a super-red state. rock on, pattie!

check out the full story.

2008-04-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

thought i'd join the animoto craze...

thanks, mom, for introducing it to me :)

fresh and lively

2008-04-10T19:39:00.001-07:00

my world is small.

first, my co-worker on the daily show.
then, my buddy on check please, bay area.

here he is, dissing a dude's fave steakhouse. his ammmo? the salads weren't fresh and lively, and steaks were pricier and less tasty than his hometown midwestern masterpieces.

and his restaurant? a taco truck, in my 'hood, el tonayense. i've walked by so many times... now i'll stop.

disgraceful display of democracy.

2008-04-09T19:23:00.001-07:00

today david and i joined the denizens preparing to voice their opinions and witness the torch travel past. what we didn't realize is that we were a part of a ruse, a hoodwink, a deception. looking back, i can piece together the moments that didn't quite add up: the movements of cops, almost in parade fashion; or the snacks that were distributed--some sort of junkfood in individual packages--to cops in front of us; or the apparent disorganization as helmets were passed amongst the troops at the last minute; or the gang of moto cops that influenced the crowd to step forward, and the cops to push us back.

it wasn't until a man from above, hanging out his office window, yelled, "they went to van ness! it's over! the torch in on van ness!" that we realized the jig was up and we'd missed out.

later i learned that folks from our crowd had raced to the new location--tipped by text messages and phone calls--and teams of people were able to join up and follow through with their plans and be heard.

for me, the experience was a new one. i had never participated in a protest where the issues were more complex than clear to me. opinions were voiced--even those with which i didn't agree--and the reality that we were all in this country via different modes, for different reasons, and with our own perspectives was, well, it was okay. not perfect, but not a bad deal.

my co-worker, on the daily show

2008-04-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

my colleague testified recently in front of congress.

and then, she was on the daily show last night. it was a fun day today, listening to people giggle in front of their monitors... and then hearing her yell, "who's watching it?"